why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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