i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
