I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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