If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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