I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
