there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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