I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
love makes seman taste better
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize