I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
