FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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