The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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