Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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