I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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