i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
