Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
