My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
