so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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