the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
