he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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