I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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