I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Of course I have a pirate flag
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
