well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
