it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
