new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
