haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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