either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
