Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
