i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
