what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
