I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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