I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
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