He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize