It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
