I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
