I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
