From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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