bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
