I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
