my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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