he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
