I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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