Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
