Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
im six kinds of drunk right now
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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