Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
