I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
