Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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