How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
