just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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