if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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