Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
