Fine. I'll sleep in my office
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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