Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
