i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
