Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
