If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
