I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
