ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
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She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
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Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I DEMAND FORESKIN
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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