Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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