So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
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Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
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Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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