I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
