just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
